All up in my feelings
3am during exam season
What even is my life
Here I am bawling my eyes out at 3am as all my past hardships roll by my eyes in memory… thinking where it all went wrong, what I could have done better, been a better person. Then a thought crossed my mind - I have received flowers from two separate girls (excluding my family) in my life, which is quite extraordinary. I remember both of those moments very vividly and I dearly cherish them in my heart.
First flowers
The first time was my first (and only - so far) relationship ever and she brought me white tulips, a teddy bear and some food when I was sick, she specifically asked before coming what I wanted. That was, and still is, to this precious present day, the most loving romantic thing I have ever experienced. Saying that I cherish that moment so dearly would be an understatement - the only way to describe that moment was an act of pure love. I will never forget the look of love in her eyes and the hug that seemed to last an eternity. The type of hug you wish would never end. An eternal moment that will live in my heart forever.
And although my heart was shattered not once, not twice, not thrice, not four times, but five times by her that very same year, that will not change the fact that her love will eternally occupy a piece of my heart and I will forever be thankful for the moments and time we shared as a couple.
The first heartbreak was when she was leaving for her trip to Italy. I don’t remember the precise duration of the trip, but in my head the 10 day period comes to mind, it was not shorter than a week for sure. We met up for a date before her leaving. The entire date something felt awfully off. It felt like I was in company of someone that despised me, not someone that was my partner in love. Inside I was completely shook, confused and sad but I somehow, someway, stayed composed and tried to put a smile on, but I knew something was - not just wrong - it was awfully fucking wrong. Her responses were cold and short, like when you were a kid at a family gathering and hung out with kids that you didn’t wanna hang out with. I recall asking her multiple times if something was wrong and if everything was okay, but I never got truthful responses. She said nothing was wrong and that she was okay, and although I heavily suspected that it was a lie, I did not feel like digging out the information and begging for her to tell me what was wrong was the right thing to do - trusting her that she was saying the truth was the right thing to do in my mind. Well, then there was the end of the date. I had a habit of asking for consent before kissing by saying “kiss?” and then afterwards “hug?”, and usually she would respond , but this time she did not say a single word after I uttered “kiss?”, she just shrugged the “no” motion. And I thought to myself, that’s okay she just doesn’t feel like kissing me and we waved goodbye. But as I got on the bus that was heading back to my room it hit me - my girlfriend was going to Italy for over a week, and the last time she sees her boyfriend, me, before leaving, she did not want to kiss me. And that, coupled with the fact that she was cold the entire date… I got sick to my stomach when the realization of the reality of the situation struck me, and oh boy, did it struck me deep in my vulnerable heart. That was the very first real moment of heartbreak in my life. But I did my best to try and shrug it off afterwards, the love I had for her was simply too powerful. I tried to rationalize it, “oh she probably just had a bad day and was feeling off”, or something along those lines.
Then the second heartbreak, I don’t remember if this was during her trip to Italy, or afterwards. Well, during the trip she texted me very seldom, but as I always do (until given concrete evidence that I shouldn’t) - I gave her the benefit of the doubt and just assumed she was so busy enjoying Italy with her friends. I don’t recall any specific messages, except one interaction. I asked her how her trip was, or something along those lines, maybe how she was feeling. I will never forget the absolute dread and death that hit my face when I read her message - I don’t recall the message specifically, maybe because I blocked it out of my head, but I know it contained the fact that her heart was full, something along those lines. Which meant there was no place in her heart for me anymore, or it didn’t matter, because I had been shaking, scared, heartbroken ever since that last interaction we had before she left for Italy, meanwhile her heart was full. Mine was on life support.
Third heartbreak. Way back in January was my first exam season of that year, the winter exam season. I told her I’d be busy, and she asked if she could just see me for some time, even if it was only a few hours, or even if only some minutes. I, of course, obliged. No matter how busy I was, I was always going to find some time for my love. If there was no time, I would make it. I would study extra hard and try to be additionally efficient in my study sessions to make that time. And I did. And it was beautiful, the time I spent with her during that stressful exam season.
Then came her exam season in May, and she basically told me she would have zero time. And I mean zero, null, ništa. I exhausted asking her literally all the options, 30 minutes? 15 minutes? I will literally come to you just to talk to you for 5 minutes then you can go back to studying? No, no and no. I knew it was over. There was no love left for me in her heart. It was all gone.
Shortly after was the breakup conversation. I am still sad that this was over text, but she was so cold to me that day via text, that I could not contain my sorrow and sadness any longer, I had to ask her what was going on and eventually the dread “So it’s over?”. She affirmed. That was the messiest conversation I ever had, to this very day I do not understand any bit of it, except the main message - the relationship was over. To make things worse, after we clarified that the relationship was done, she said she still had love for me and that she wanted to remain friends. I reciprocated that I loved her and that I will always cherish the love we shared and that I’d still like to be friends. That was the fourth heartbreak.
The fifth heartbreak, not even half a year later, on my birthday. I was hoping for a text that never arrived. Refreshing my messaging app every few minutes. Even after midnight, maybe she was just busy. Even days later, maybe she just had a busy week. But to no avail. I questioned whether what she said was genuine? The love she had previously said that she still had for me, I remember the text “Še zmeri te mam rada tho”, and that she wanted to remain friends. This was the saddest of all of the heartbreaks, I was truly and in every sense of the word, forgotten.
I don’t know, nor understand, how me trying my best to adapt to her wishes and critiques of me and my ways of loving her, led to her becoming more cold, more distant and eventually falling out of love. I really tried, even though she lied saying she was okay when she wasn’t multiple times, I tried my best to get to the bottom of it every single time, and improve and adapt as best as I could to make her happy. I also questioned where all this critique and wishes were coming from so suddenly, why she had not communicated this to me previously, it was a lot to take in. She always communicated it via text and I always cried myself to sleep with every new batch of it. But I woke up the next day and tried my best to adapt to those critiques and wishes, every single time. The reason I stood still and couldn’t try anymore was because there ceased to be any love from her. None. Zero. What would I continue to be fighting for if she was not showing a singular ounce of love towards me anymore? Not only was she showing no love, she was colder than the ice age towards me. It killed me inside. I tried so hard to make her happy and everything she wanted me to change and adapt, yet I failed so miserably.
I need to delete all our messages between us, I will keep the pictures for memories and I won’t delete her contact, but a part of me shatters everytime I search for something inside my messaging app and those old texts from her show up in the search instead of what I was looking for. This is also partially why I decided to quit all social media, my heart just shatters reading old texts even from platonic friends that are completely different persons now. As I’ve said in a previous post - you will likely never meet the same version of a person twice, either time will change them or time will take them.
I still wished her a happy birthday the next time it was her birthday, despite her forgetting mine. That was the second to last time we ever talked, the last was in March or April of last year when I asked her how she deals with the fact that the human life is temporary, because I recalled she had a good way of dealing with that. And that conversation was nice, she was very helpful and I am thankful for it. She said that she was doing well and had a new boyfriend that she was very happy with. I told her that I was happy for her, and I truly was, no lies were told, but did I go and cry for multiple hours far past midnight that evening? Yes. Yes, I did.
I realized that the last time, and the only time, that she texted me first (post-breakup), was a few months after the breakup. I realized I should never text her again, she was not interested in me being a part of her life anymore, not even as a friend that you talk to once in a while. And although I knew that we would never be back together, nor did I want that, I still wanted to check in on her every now and then to ask whether she is doing alright in life. Basically what I do with most of my friends. But as she hadn’t texted me first since July of two years ago, I realized that it is time to fully let go, even if that was not what I wanted. Her birthday was a few days ago, at the end of January. And I knew, I remembered, and I thought of her on that day as I saw the date on the calendar. But I did not message her a happy birthday message like I did the past year. When it was my second birthday (post-breakup), I was not expecting nor needing a text from her on that day, but the thought did cross my mind, I admit. “What if she wished me a happy birthday on the second post-breakup birthday of mine, despite the fact that she didn’t the first time?” I thought to myself. I also thought to myself “It would be really nice and I would appreciate it dearly”. Well, that remained just a thought, a thought that never came true.
On her birthday this year, in the year 2025, I remembered her. I thought of her. I smiled as the most precious moments of the love we shared visualized in my mind. I thought of my favorite moments - her love letter that she wrote me on Valentines day (in shiny pink ink on pink paper, you needed just the right angle and light to read it! I loved that quirk of that letter), her smile when she was full of love seeing me at the bus stop each time, the one time it rained and we shared some goofy - yet dearly romantic - moments under an umbrella while she was waiting for her bus, how she took care of me when I was sick and brought me flowers, how she loved me in all kinds of ways. But I did not do one thing - I did not message her happy birthday. The “message” from her was received from my side though, she last messaged me first two years ago, I am no longer wanted in her life. And I get it, we were together for “only” around 4 months, I was not her first love either. And she has been in a happy relationship for almost two years by now. I hope he is everything I failed to be, despite my best efforts. I really do, I hope they are the happiest couple ever. And, I get it. But she was my first love, she was in every sense of the word, my everything. So I think I deserve to be a bit sad, I wish she would have at least thought of me once in a blue moon, every few years or something. It is what it is. The fact that she doesn’t think of me won’t change my eternal appreciation of the love that we shared.
I do hope there is still some love of mine in her that she will cherish forever, but I don’t know. I know I will cherish the love that she so graciously shared with my heart. Her love will live in my heart for the rest of my days on this cursed planet. I truly wish her all the best and hold no grudges towards her, I am at peace. I hope she finds the utmost love and happiness in her life, despite me no longer being in it, not even once in a blue moon. I’ll keep the box of her memories, and that is the closure of this chapter.
Oh fuck, I started writing this at 02:57, and now it’s 5:04 already… and I haven’t even finished what I wanted to write. I got a bit carried away with this section.
Look away
I never thought I'd be able to relate to this song, yet here I am...
Back to Black
We only said goodbye with words... through a screen... I was not a fan of such an ending.
Second flowers
My second flowers were completely unexpected, she brought me a sunflower to our first date in the Tivoli park. She came on her bicycle with the sunflower in the basket of the bicycle. I was truly surprised, in the most beautiful way. I expressed to her how much I appreciated the gesture and how much that meant to me. Not only did she bring me a sunflower to our first date, she found a way to get a sunflower on a sunday! And although there was no second date, I will always be dearly thankful for this beautiful gesture of hers. She ended things the day after the date with the infamous “I am not ready for a relationship” text as the reason, which in my experience is nearly always just an excuse, but I did not care for the actual reason - I accepted her decision that I was no longer wanted in her life with grace and wished her all the best. I was very happy with myself for accepting this with such grace, because in the past I had some incredibly embarrassing moments of trying to figure out why the girl rejected me and asking if she wanted to give it another chance, I cringe at just the thought of those past versions of myself. When someone makes it clear as day that you are no longer wanted in their life, let them leave. Don’t try to hold on, I made that mistake in the past and it was embarrassing to say the least. Also, the infamous “we can still stay friends though”, never rung true for me. It is always just cushioning the blow, don’t actually expect to remain friends when someone says that - they will likely never message you again.
Thoughts on the future
Despite many failed attempts at finding love in my past, whether failed talking stages, things falling apart after the first date, my one and only relationship, or others, I still hold my head held high. One thing I don’t do anymore though, is ignoring the obvious. Another partial reason to my deletion of all social media is ghosting, I hated that shit so much. Just tell me you no longer want to talk to me or block me at least. I always tried to be as truthful as possible with this and always explain to people why I ended things when I had to do that part. But, oh so rarely did people have the courage to do so. So I had to do the hard part and block them and move on with my life. I will no longer entertain anyone that doesn’t show clear interest in me, I don’t have the insane patience I once had for those games of doubt anymore. This does not mean that I will not give people the benefit of the doubt anymore, it will just not be the default. It will have to be proven. For example, if someone is consistent and has a one-off occurence of irregular behaviour I will give them the benefit of the doubt, because they earned it by being consistent. I am hopeful that I will find someone that will aspire and yearn to give me the love that I yearn to give back. A love that cares, a love that communicates excellently and is willing to grow together through the good and the rough times. Alright, it’s time to go sleep. What a life.
I want to sign these personal posts off with a hand-written signature each time from now on.
“Written from the bottom of my heart.” 05:34, 01.02.2025